Nick Jordan

Yesterday I met up with my friend Paul at St. Pancras station for a day out. We decided to go to Barnet, where we both grew up, and take a look around. It had been years since I’d taken the tube to High Barnet, although not a lot had changed, or been back to my old haunts at all. We wandered up the High Street and stopped for lunch in the Black Horse pub before heading down Bells Hill, past our old homes, to our infant and junior school at Whitings Hill. Many of the old buildings are still there, including the swimming pool where I learnt to swim, and which had its cover put on while I was a pupil there. They’re in the process of knocking the place down and putting up swanky new buildings, which are clearly desperately needed and look very nice. The playing field is pretty much gone, replaced by a sea of mud and construction vehicles.

Having got all nostalgic, we wandered back towards the tube station, pausing for a quick look around Barnet Museum, which brought back a whole raft of old memories. Taking the tube back to London Bridge station, we had a very pleasant walk along the South Bank in the sunshine, crossed the Millennium Bridge and ambled around the City until we found ourselves at Old Street station, from where we caught the tube back to Kings Cross, where we parted company.

I got home very tired and with soreish feet but feeling pretty good. Plenty of exercise, great weather and good company saw to that.

Yesterday, accompanied by my friend Jenni who provided very helpful advice, I went to look at some flats. Originally I’d really wanted a separate bedroom but in the end I settled for a very nice and quite spacious studio flat as the location and the price were very good. Yes, there were some very beautiful places but they were in very inconvenient locations. Anyway, I handed over my deposit and this morning I dropped off all the paperwork that the letting agents require. I pick up the keys on July 4th, and I have to say I’m really looking forward to getting moved in and settled there.

This morning I went to see my GP again. She’s signed me off work for two more weeks, which I really feel will be beneficial. I then went off for my initial assessment with a psychiatrist. I arrived a bit early but fortunately he was free to see me pretty much straight away. He seemed like a really nice guy and someone who genuinely wants to help. After a long chat and a great deal of note taking, he told me that I’m definitely depressed, which is not exactly a surprise, and that I probably have a mood disorder, which is a fancy way of saying that my depression is long-term and needs treatment. He’ll be meeting with his team on Monday and discussing my case, but said that he feels I probably need some form of psychotherapy and possibly also CBT.

So I’m back at home with a couple of weeks to try and fill. I don’t think that’s going to be too hard. I have flat hunting to do, for a start.

I had another appointment with my GP this morning. I came away with a prescription for more of the same anti-depressants, advice to take a week off work (which I’m doing) and a promise of a referral to a psychiatrist. True to her word, later in the day I had a call from the local mental unit and, after a few questions to ascertain my level of need, I have an appointment with the psychiatrist next Friday. So, in the meantime I shall try to enjoy my week off and not get too down. I need to get out and about and see people in order to keep my mood from crashing, so that’s what I intend to try and do.

‘Public wellbeing’: the new approach to mental health. The government’s New Horizons strategy is the next bold step for mental health policy. What is changing, and will politics allow it to work?

Interesting. I shall be keeping an eye on this to see how it all works out.

Just a quick update. I had an appointment with my GP last night. I filled in a questionnaire which indicates (surprise!) that I’m still depressed. She’s given me a list of conselling services and is going to refer me to one, which I’m really hoping will help. She’s also told me to keep taking the anti-depressants. So, basically, no real news. Things just continue as before.

I’ve been experiencing some mild side-effects from the tablets: queasiness and shaking hands. Fortunately they’ve subsided quite a bit from the initial peak and I’m pretty hopeful that they’ll more or less disappear in a short while. My determination to beat this is very strong right now, despite a bit of a bad weekend, thanks in no small part to the assistance of Jenni, who continues to be an amazing friend, and Jenny, whose patience seems almost unlimited.

Last night was our first gig, courtesy of Camden Calling. I’d been extremely nervous but as it turned out I needn’t have been. There were one or two fluffs but essentially we did really well. It was Jenni’s birthday, too, so before we started there was a cake, bubbles in lieu of candles, and a rousing chorus of ‘Happy Birthday To You’. We played all six of the songs we’d decided to cover, the audience favourite being our slow, acoustic version of Britney Spears’ ‘Hit Me Baby One More Time’, which went over very well indeed. The best news of all is that we’ve been asked to play again, which was my criterion for judging the evening a success, so I’m very pleased. A huge thanks to Alexis and Camden Calling for having faith and putting us on unauditioned.

You can find the complete set of photos here.

Yesterday evening I went to the doctor regarding my depression, taking my friend Jenni along for moral support and because she’s good at asking awkward questions. Anyway, the doctor was very nice and very understanding and has prescribed antidepressants (Citalopram Hydrobromide) and is referring me for counselling. That’s pretty much what I wanted, so I really can’t complain. I’m going to pick up the tablets today, and I’ll let you know how I get on with them. I’m told they should start to kick in in two or three weeks, which isn’t too long to wait.

Interesting article in which the writer tries out the NHS’ new computerised Cognitive Behaviour Therapy system and finds that, while it’s no substitute for proper face-to-face sessions, it does have its uses.

This week is Mind Week, and this year the focus is on men’s mental health. Being a man (yes, I know – incredible as it may seem I am one), I know all too well how tough it can be to talk about feelings and to seek help if we have mental health problems or worries. It’s only very recently that I’ve been able to open up somewhat about my own problems. Indeed, this coming Friday I have an appointment with my GP, the first official step I’ve ever taken. I find myself very concerned about what treatment I may receive but even more concerned about what might happen to me if I do nothing.

Anyway, I hadn’t intended this post to be about me. What I wanted to say is simply that, whoever you are, if you have problems, seek help. It’s not wussy, it’s not whiny, it’s sensible.

I’ve come back today from a week’s holiday in Scotland (did you miss me?) with friends Steve and Jen. I’ve had a lovely time seeing all manner of castles and lochs (no sign of Nessie), but I really don’t think I need to go into detail. Suffice to say it was mostly fun, if a bit cold and wet at times. The places we stayed in were all very comfortable and, yes, I bought a bottle of decent whisky, which I shall enjoy at leisure.

It’s time for a small confession. This feels oddly like I would imagine coming out does. Anyway, here it is. I suffer from quite severe depression, and have for my entire adult life. In fact, it goes back even earlier than that, to my teens. I have, in the past, made an attempt at suicide which was stopped. I think about suicide a great deal, and have on occasion been to the brink of doing it. This is not an attempt at whingeing, and I’m not looking for sympathy here, I’m just stating some facts. It’s not my only mental health problem: I have mild OCD, for example, but it’s the one I’ve chosen to talk about here because it affects so many people. Yes, I do realise I’m not alone in this.

Fortunately for me I find myself surrounded by friends who are incredibly kind and supportive. I won’t name names here – they know who they are. I’ve rarely talked about it until fairly recently but things have changed. Events in my life have forced me to finally do something about it, which is one of the reasons for this post. My intention is to seek professional help and, I think, post about it here if I feel it might be useful, either for me or for someone else reading it. So, in amongst the usual stuff about what I’ve been up to and what I’m thinking about there’ll be some other stuff. Just ignore it if you’re not interested.

I went to see the new X-Men film with Jenny, Jenni and Sophia last night at the Cineworld in Shaftesbury Avenue. The special effects were, as always these days, superb but the story fell flat as far as I was concerned. They’d tried to introduce some plot twists but they felt contrived and I didn’t care enough about the characters for it all to matter. Still, it was good fun and a very enjoyable way to spend a couple of hours.

Afterwards we popped into Ed’s for a bite to eat, although I’d eaten enough nachos in the cinema to stop me from being hungry. I nibbled the odd chip and had a milkshake while the others ate. Then home to bed. A good evening.

Great article about Mark Brown, editor of One in Four magazine, a lifestyle magazine aimed at people with mental health issues. Although, as he says, a lot of what they publish is useful for everyone. This definitely looks to be an endeavour that’s worth supporting.

This afternoon Jenny, Jenni and I decided to take a trip to Hampton Court. We piled into Jenni’s car and set off not long after midday. It took a while to get there thanks to the traffic but we weren’t in a great hurry. When we got there we had a very enjoyable wander around in the sunshine, taking in the kitchens and tapestries in particular, as Jenny wanted to see them, and managing to fit in sandwiches and scones as well. It really was a very lovely day out, as the photo above will testify, so we also took a stroll around the grounds, stopping off for a game of Pooh Sticks. Jenni had never played before so it seems only right that she won.

We avoided the maze, which was probably wise. I remember getting quite lost in there as a child and I had no great wish to repeat the experience. When we decided we’d had enough we headed home for a meal and a rest. It wasn’t the Sunday we’d initially planned but it was none the worse for that.

Last night I brandished my new Unlimited Pass at the Cineworld cinema at Shaftesbury Avenue and saw ‘In the Loop’ with my friends Sophia and Paul. It’s rare for a film to make me laugh out loud but this one managed to do it all the way through. I noticed the others doing the same. If you’re not put off by a lot of swearing, go and see it.

Afterwards we had a very pleasant meal of pizza and wine. The wine wasn’t great but it was OK and it helped the evening along nicely. I really enjoy spending time with friends. After all, as we said last night, stuff can come and go but you don’t want your friends to.

OK, now I’ve got this site moved to a new host I can start blogging again properly. So last Tuesday my friend Jenni and I headed for the Underworld in Camden to see friends The Veil playing. Neither of us had seen them live before and I have to confess we were both suitably impressed. If Goth/Metal is your thing, give them a listen.

Once we were done there we headed over to Monto Water Rats to see The Quotes. Jenni had seen them before and had given me a copy of their album, which I really like. They were excellent live and a thoroughly good time was had, especially as we bumped into Ruth, who we’d met before at an SCA event.

An honourable mention also goes to Lux Lisbon, who were also on at Monto’s. Tight, poppy, good looking. Well worth seeing again.

Yesterday I moved this site to a new hosting company, which meant that this morning I have been able to upgrade to the latest version of Wordpress. At last! The relief is really quite amazing.

I was chatting with some people I met at a gig the other day and the subject of age came up. One of the other people said he reckoned he was easily the oldest person in the group and, when asked how old he was said he was 34. I’m 43. I love that man!

Back when I started this blog (in May 2000, I think) it was quite easy to see roughly how many people were reading it by simply looking at the site stats. In these days of RSS feeds and the like, though, it’s much more difficult. I know there aren’t as many people reading this as there used to be at one time, which is fine. I know it’s not that interesting. Besides, Facebook tends to be where links and other stuff are shared, at least for me and my friends.

As a result, I’ve been thinking about how this blog is used and what exactly it’s for. I haven’t come to any firm conclusions yet but I’d very much like to change the nature of what I post here. Facebook seems to me to be a better place for letting my friends know what I’ve been up to, so that type of post can probably go. I guess I’d like to reserve this space for when I have something a bit longer to write about, and which I feel might be of use or interest to the world at large. Expect, therefore, the frequency of posting to drop considerably.

If I know you and you’re not my friend on Facebook already, you’ll find a link to my profile in the sidebar.